Shoes are my passion. I have arrived at the conclusion that I need a 12- step program to curb my shoe addiction, but then after taking just two of those steps, I looked down at my feet and decided I needed new sandals.

I do not yet rival Imelda Marcos, but by the time I am her age, I could surpass her fetish for footwear. I do not count my shoes. That would require math skills beyond those of mortal man, but I can estimate that at any given time, I own anywhere from 40 to 60 pairs of shoes. Why, you ask, would a down-to-earth person like me carry such a sordid secret? Why, you may ponder, would I continue my clandestine life as a closet shoe addict? (See what I did there?)

The answer is really quite complicated. No matter how sure-footed my logic tends to be, I cannot put my foot…uh…finger on the reason for my vice. Is it because I was so poor as a child that I had to run around with bare feet? Nope. Is it because I lacked a satisfying relationship with my mother, father, or shoe salesman? Not really. Why, then, must I own every color produced by my favorite name brand bootmaker? Why do I insist on buying yet another pair of lace-up espadrilles simply because they are slightly different than the last ones I purchased two months ago? And finally, why am I physically unable to bypass a shoe store without having a panic attack?

It is a mystery. From the beginnings of high fashion, women across the ages have longed for pretty things. With some women, it’s purses, with others, it’s jackets or scarves, and for many, it’s SHOES, glorious SHOES. Why is it so often SHOES that attract us, ladies? Here is a brief and unfinished list explaining why I love shoes.

1. Shoes are cute, compact, colorful, decorative, and cost way less than diamonds (but I’d still accept diamonds if anyone’s asking.)

2. Shoes are protective, portable, polished, practical, and show a sense of style in a unique and subtle way.

3. Shoes are reusable, recyclable, and give-away-able when you get tired of them, or when your husband makes you throw a pair out for each new pair you bring in… But that’s not really too alarming. One can always surreptitiously skirt that issue by keeping your narrow-boxed treasures in the trunk of the car until he is nowhere in sight! (Of course, I personally have never done that.)

4. Shoes are the thing you can still wear when you accidentally gain ten pounds! Shoe size doesn’t change much from age 20 through 100, even if your dress size fluctuates wildly! Three cheers for shoes!

Why are shoes so important? The right pair of high-heels can dress up a ratty old pair of jeans, or some upscale sneakers can bring a casual air to an otherwise stuffy and over-dressed ensemble. Shoes tell so much about a person. My grandmother always said that you could look at a person’s shoes and tell right away whether or not the wearer was well off, or struggling financially. Old and scuffed shoes show either lack of money or lack of refinement. Those rules don’t seem to apply so much anymore, especially with my teenage daughter, who likes her Chuck Taylors with a bit of dirt and grime on them so as not to look too clean and preppy. The younger generation even adds rips and tears to new footwear for various reasons- to be different, unique, make their mark, or even to conform in some strange way.

So, what can we really know about a person based on the shoes they wear? (Don’t even get me started on socks!)

Top ten shoe personality predictor:

1. Habitual Sandal Wearer– calm and laid-back person, prefers open spaces to indoor enclosures, usually an optimist, extremely loyal, loves the beach, a giving friend or lover, sometimes prone to laziness, overall Type-B personality. If you know someone who prefers flip flops to closed shoes even in subzero temperatures (I know a few), this prediction should be very reliable.

2. Only Name Brand- If this describes someone you know, be aware that these people are not only high maintenance, but also choosy and particular about most things in life. – undeniably attracted to money and status, slightly cynical with a tendency to be difficult to please, loves shopping, never mind the sales, hates surprises and piña coladas in the rain, enjoys predictability rather than spontaneity (after all, things might not turn out exactly as they should.)

3. Shoeless Wonders- brave and bold, unconcerned about what other people think or about keeping up with the Joneses, usually generous, but tendencies toward risky behaviors and often categorized as “out there” or “bats” (barefooting it in our world today has huge consequences, stepping on thorns, glass, or fish hooks for Heaven’s sake! Yes, I said fish hooks —shudder); Beware!! Would you put your trust in someone who has sworn off shoes for a lifetime? If your answer is yes, be prepared for crazy, zany, and bizarre situations in your future.

4. Loafers Rule- Definitely Type-A personality, movers and shakers, fast-paced and independent, but reliant on tradition; responsible, but often inflexible and controlling; technology savvy, enjoys planning and scheduling the next two years of their lives; can often be seen watching NASDAQ reports in his or her  spare time. -A fearless friend, and a rock-solid kind of person in relationships, although not overly romantic.

5. Sneaker Freak- likes comfort, not one who cares to impress others, but rather dresses for their own pleasure; possibly athletic, but may also be a big Doctor Who fan; dynamic and moving personality, charismatic, tends to be a fast talker, brave and unconcerned; always seems to get out of any jam unscathed, which makes the loafer people really jealous.

6. Boot Monger- whether army, farmy, or go-go, these people tend to have a sense of self-importance, fun-loving at times, but full of pent-up energy which could be good or bad, depending on the moment. Slightly bossy, can be seen as a know-it-all; Great friend during difficult times, the boot monger will go the distance for a good cause, but will give you the boot if you don’t toe the line.

7. Shoe Junkie- unabashedly dedicates one walk-in closet to the love of all footwear; usually optimistic, spontaneous, and unique; artistic and animated; mostly very happy, but has tendencies toward a mindset to “have cake and eat it, too.” Understanding and loyal, yet slightly self-centered; reliable free-spirited, and sole-full.

8. Velcro Addict- fairly geeky and unique personality, failure-to-launch kind of person, often enjoys stating that Velcro was invented for astronauts at NASA, but also holds onto a conspiracy theory that it is alien technology; possibly never learned how to tie shoes properly, overly reliant on others, codependent tendencies, a wizard with high math, but cannot balance a checkbook without complete silence and a scientific calculator handy.

9. Crocks rocker- We all know one- unimpressed, ambivalent about success, an ambiguous person with tendencies to start backyard campfires for no reason at all; uncanny abilities with animals; not a jealous bone in their bodies; these types cruise unnoticed through schools, hospitals, and museums; often mistaken for janitors Wal-Mart associates, or baristas; their phone screens are always cracked; spend a lot of time on devices being sure they don’t lose their “streaks.” Voted most likely to become a vet tech.

10. Tims or Uggs– High maintenance, can be self-absorbed, at least until there is a crisis, and then these folks come running to the rescue; unlikely to own a pair of shoes with tied laces; a detail-oriented being who enjoys looking messy on purpose, with each out-of-place hair sculpted into the correct position; not spontaneous naturally, but will go with the flow of the crowd; enjoys partying as long as no one barfs, and then it’s splitsville; romantic, serious about relationships and holding hands in public; if you are their person, they won’t let go.

This is not an exhaustive list, but you get the idea.  I would estimate eighty percent accuracy using shoe personality analysis, so leave room for error when forming a new acquaintance.  We all have our off-brand days!

5 responses to “Top Ten Shoe Personalities”

  1. Angie Avatar

    As your habitual sandal wearing, equally aged, middle of nowhere loving friend, I’m still wearing a sizable grin.

    L’anniversaire dernier heureux!

    Yes, I used a translator. I hope it’s close enough to decipher. I am a habitual sandal wearer after all. I know I’ve been saying Happy “late” Birthday for more than 25 years but I’m planning on being on time before we hit 50.
    Love ya, Ang

  2. AlexM Avatar

    Your blog is interesting!

    Keep up the good work!

  3. The William Blaine Avatar
    The William Blaine

    You know your not the only one in this family with this sordid problem. Coats are a close second to shoes for myself. I used to tease my wife all the time that she had WAY too many shoes – then something changed after we got married and I am now the SHOE freak and Shopoholic of the family.

    Whats wrong with us?
    Actually according to your list – we are the only two balanced people of the whole bunch!! LOL.

    (I ordered another pair last week) THEIR TOTALLY COOL!!
    I will send you a pic

  4. Castil Avatar

    THIS IS SO DUMB! This is dumb, yet very informative. I am writing a Journalism Article in my school newspaper and I see you have explanations- perhaps this will help me. Thankyou whom ever the author is.

  5. Schellie Avatar

    Well, I just got Chuck Taylors with honey bees flying around on them. So darn cute. And a pair of black Rocket Dog flippies. And another pair of pink gliltter covered Chuck Taylors. But most of the time I am also a shoeless wonder. Drives my pedicure person crazy!
    By the way, what is your favorite brand of flip flops? I love Rocket Dogs and Teva. Both are awesome!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: